[CinemaRatty] tag: bee-licious

Gran Torino

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:20:00 +0000

A grouchy Polish-American Korean War vet with a love of racial epithets (Clint Eastwood) argues with a boyish Irish priest and first hates then learns to love the Hmong family that moves in next door and refuses to get off his lawn! American.

Glad I saw this twice (not by choice), because it holds up surprisingly-well to a second viewing. With its old-fashioned, straightforward style with little room for subtlety or anything other than wonderfully-hammy acting (mostly by Eastwood, but also Bee Vang, whose "let me out, Walt!" scene while locked in the basement is great), Gran Torino is a much-welcome move away from the stiff, self-serious style of Eastwood's other latest films: The Changeling, his Iwo Jima war pair, Million Dollar Baby. There's a rub, though: even after seeing it twice, I'm not 100% sure the film's supposed to be taken so lightly. That last shot, with the fetishized Gran Torino gliding down the highway toward the an open horizon while Eastwood (!) "softly" sings a ballad over acoustic guitar is undecipherable to me. Is this the coda to a film that's been stringing us along in good fun, hoping we'd get in on the joke and enjoy ourselves; or is it a hideous, genuine last move by a filmmaker gone completely off his rocker? There's an earlier scene, too—with a deliberately-struck Jesus pose—that's either ironic or so literal that it deserves pity. Whatever the tone, the message appears to be that the [conservative] America of old isn't gone so much as become a bastion defended by primarily non-European and [sometimes] non-Christian immigrants. Eastwood's Kowalski doesn't like gook culture, values, or family traditions; he likes that the Hmong have culture, values, and family traditions that they stick by. It's his own no-good, white, [blank]-American family, which holds nothing sacred, that can go to hell.

In the meantime, even his own religion has left Walt behind: he dutifully confesses to the Irish child-priest, but his real confession (filmed like the "official" one, except through a screen door) is to the Hmong boy Thao—between the ground floor and basement is where he spills his real guts. Not that words mean much in the film. The priest says them, but doesn't know them beyond the abstract; and if there's anything Kowalski proves, perhaps most of all to himself, it's that what he does it ultimately more important than what he says: the man who cares about and helps the zipper-heads next door is better than the one who lets his Asian-American neighbours get harassed and beaten in peace.

Gran Torino isn't a good film, is possibly a very bad one, and comes recommended for a test drive.

Clint Eastwood, 2008

3

The 25 Best High School Movies Of All Time

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:40:13 +0000

Love it or hate it, we all had our high school experiences – and lived to tell about it. Check out Movie Crunch’s list of the 25 Best High School Movies of All Time. Did we leave any of your favorites off the list?

25. Fame (1980)

Cast:
Irene Cara
Debbie Allen
Gene Anthony Ray
Lee Curreri
Paul McCrane

The School of the Performing Arts, where people break into song and spirited choreographed dance routines! It could happen… but probably doesn’t in real life. Coco, Bruno, Leroy and company have their fair share of real world troubles too though – it’s not all taxi top dance fun.

24. Lucas (1986)

Cast:
Corey Haim
Kerri Green
Charlie Sheen

First crushes aren’t easy when you’re a dorky, awkward teenager who gets teased endlessly at school. But you gotta give the kid credit for joining the football team to impress the girl he’s infatuated with. Plus, the nostalgia of a sweet, adorable Corey Haim versus his current washed up status lets us remember Haim in the happy 80s.

23. Carrie (1976)

Cast:
Sissy Spacek
Piper Laurie
Betty Buckley
Amy Irving

Oh shit, Carrie is all kinds of creepy, but her whack job mom doesn’t exactly help her fit in at school. And then that disgusting pig blood soaked prom scene. Kids can be so fuckin cruel, but don’t piss off a girl with telekinetic powers. Carrie exacts her revenge in the end. That’ll teach ‘em.

22. Friday Night Lights (2004)

Cast:
Billy Bob Thornton
Lucas Black
Garrett Hedlund
Derek Luke
Jay Hernandez

Friday Night Lights presents high school football as an obsession for the economically depressed town of Odessa, Texas. With little else going on in this small town, Friday night football is something to look forward to, but hopes of winning the championship is a lot of pressure for these players fighting for an escape from the same dead-end lives their parents endure.

21. Dead Poets Society (1989)

Cast:
Robin Williams
Robert Sean Leonard
Ethan Hawke
Josh Charles

Dramatic and truly inspiring, Dead Poets’ English professor John Keating (Robin Williams) teaches his students to seize the day by thinking outside the confines of their prep school. Make sure you have a box of tissues nearby for this high school tale – there wasn’t a dry eye in the theater when I saw it the first go-around.

20. Rushmore (1998)

Cast:
Jason Schwartzman
Bill Murray
Olivia Williams

From the quirky mind of Wes Anderson, we get our first look at Jason Schwartzman as the eccentric over-booked prep school student who finds a father figure and nemesis in Bill Murray - as student and rich dude vie for the affection and attention of elementary school teacher Miss Cross.

19. Donnie Darko (2001)

Cast:
Jake Gyllenhaal
Jena Malone
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Mary McDonnell

It’s a cult classic - cue “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” – well, at least as teenager Donnie Darko (Jake Gyllenhaal) knows, via a big burned bunny. All the sci fi coolness, while hitting the high school themes, Donnie Darko is an original, no doubt about it. We’re still scratching our head about a few things though.

18. Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

Cast:
Jon Heder
Efren Ramirez
Tina Majorino

Oh, awkward youth – Napoleon Dynamite has you rooting for this majorly uncool title character with Jon Heder’s brilliant performance. And we never see such energy from the low vibe Napoleon as when he performs his dance routine in front of the entire school. Vote for Pedro!

17. Risky Business (1983)

Cast:
Tom Cruise
Rebecca De Mornay
Curtis Armstrong

It launched Tom Cruise (for better or for worse) into the stratosphere of super stardom, gave us the memorable air guitar underwear scene – and oh, yeah… one of the hottest sex on a train scenes ever. This is one high school experience that takes Cruise’s straight-laced character, Joel, on a wild ride.

16. Say Anything (1989)

Cast:
John Cusack
Ione Skye
John Mahoney
Lili Taylor

He’s the loveable underachiever – she’s the class valedictorian. The star-crossed lovers in Say Anything are meant to be despite the odds. Check out Lloyd Dobler as he proves his love in that classic boom box scene. Sigh. A million John Cusack fans were born from this movie.

15. Sixteen Candles (1984)

Cast:
Molly Ringwald
Michael Schoeffling
Anthony Michael Hall

Sixteen Candles is when we fell in love with freckly Molly Ringwald – her family forgets her birthday, nerds want to see her panties, and her infatuation with Jake (ultimately) leads to a happy ending. Even nerdy Anthony Michael Hall finds love with the most popular girl in school. So, all’s well that ends well.

14. Hoop Dreams (1994)

Cast:
William Gates
Arthur Agee

The inspiring true story of two kids trying to make it out of the Chicago slums on a basketball dream, this documentary follows both the struggles and the joy, making it a must-watch on our high school film list. Hoop Dreams follows Arthur Agee and William Gates for five years, from high school to college recruitment.

13. Superbad (2007)

Cast:
Jonah Hill
Michael Cera
Christopher Mintz-Plasse

Raunchy and ridiculous, Superbad gave us so many things that were oh-so-wrong, yet oh-so-right. The comedy duo of Michael Cera and Jonah Hill combined with a script by Seth Rogan and his buddy struck a chord with audiences with this hilarious high school tale of two buddies. And c’mon… McLovin? It’s all good.

12. Clueless (1995)

Cast:
Alicia Silverstone
Paul Rudd
Stacey Dash
Brittany Murphy
Donald Faison

Alicia Silverstone is such a Betty in this movie! Plus Clueless put Paul Rudd on the map – so thank the heavens for that. An adaptation of Jane Austen’s Emma, director Amy Heckerling nailed this funny look at a rich girl who learns there’s more to her than just the superficial, shallow Cher.

11. Boyz n the Hood (1991)

Cast:
Cuba Gooding Jr.
Ice Cube
Morris Chestnut
Larry Fishburne
Angela Basset

Boyz n the Hood was a masterpiece for director John Singleton, capturing the gritty realities of high school life for three high school friends on different paths – one an athlete, one with college aspirations and one a drug dealer. Nothing is easy in this tale and Tre, played by Cuba Gooding Jr., learns hard life lessons when his friend is murdered. With guidance from his dad, he escapes the cycle of crime and violence and gets out of the hood.

10. Mean Girls (2004)

Cast:
Lindsay Lohan
Rachel McAdams
Lacey Chabert
Amanda Seyfried

Can Tina Fey do no wrong? Mean Girls was a killer script by Fey, featuring Lindsay Lohan before she had a party-girl reputation, and included turns by Rachel McAdams, Lizzy Caplan and Amanda Seyfried (Mamma Mia) before they were bigger names. Mean Girls confirmed that girls can be so bitchy – and cruel.

9. Grease (1978)

Cast:
John Travolta
Olivia Newton-John
Stockard Channing
Jeff Conaway

The original High School Musical… well, sorta. Singing and dancing was never so cool as in Grease, what with Sandy, Danny and the gang at 1950s Rydell High. Who doesn’t love the Goody Two Shoes/Bad Boy dynamic in Grease, but please answer this burning question – what the hell with Sandy and Danny flying off in the car at the end? Never got that one.

8. Hoosiers (1986)

Cast:
Gene Hackman
Barbara Hershey
Dennis Hopper

Everybody loves a story with heart – small-town Indiana high school basketball underdogs beat the odds and win the state championship in this early-50s tale of redemption. Gene Hackman gives a fantastic performance as a washed up former collegiate coach who has a lot to prove to the town – and himself.

7. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)

Cast:
Matthew Broderick
Alan Ruck
Mia Sara
Jeffrey Jones
Jennifer Grey

If you could have gotten away with the shit that Ferris Bueller did when he skipped school, wouldn’t you have done it? Matthew Broderick rocks this John Hughes classic, taking audiences along for one helluva ride – from Ferrari to Abe Froman (The Sausage King of Chicago), to riding atop a parade float. Ditching school has never been more fun.

6. Election (1999)

Cast:
Reese Witherspoon
Matthew Broderick
Chris Klein

Forget her Academy Award win for Walk the Line, Reese Witherspoon’s role as uber annoying overachiever Tracy Flick in Election was easily her best work. Ever. Throw in pathetic Matthew Broderick, his contempt for Tracy and his ill fortunes (that’s one mother of a bee sting reaction!), and you’ve got one darkly funny look at the politics of high school.

5. Heathers (1989)

Cast:
Winona Ryder
Christian Slater
Shannen Doherty

With lines like “Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw,” Heathers takes high school bitches to a whole new level. Smarmy Christian Slater has never been better and hot fingers Winona Ryder plays bitchy with precision in this dark high school tale. Heathers was a stark contrast to the feel good high school flicks of the 80s, for sure.

4. Dazed and Confused (1993)

Cast:
Jason London
Rory Cochrane
Wiley Wiggins
Matthew McConaughey

This is familiar territory, given that Dazed and Confused topped our Stoner Movies list. Dazed captures the life of seventies high schoolers, as the upcoming seniors ceremoniously haze the incoming freshmen on the last day of school in 1976. Sex, drugs and music of the day comes into play and Matthew McConaughey gives one of the best performances ever with his classic line: “That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.”

3. American Pie (1999)

Cast:
Jason Biggs
Seann William Scott
Shannon Elizabeth
Alyson Hannigan
Thomas Ian Nicholas
Tara Reid
Chris Klein

When American Pie hit theaters, no one could have guessed how an actual pie would be so affectionately regarded by a horny high schooler. Pie was like the Porky’s of the 90s, with four friends making a pact to lose their virginity by graduation. Plus, American Pie gave us classics like MILF and the ever popular “this one time?… at band camp?”

2. Fast Times At Ridgemont High (1982)

Cast:
Sean Penn
Jennifer Jason Leigh
Judge Reinhold
Phoebe Cates

Penned by Cameron Crowe and directed by Amy Heckerling, Fast Times introduced us to Sean Penn as ultimate stoner Spicoli and a host of other interesting characters, including Jennifer Jason Leigh and Phoebe Cates (which led to Judge Reinhold’s infamous bathroom scene – yikes). Fast Times was a coming-of-age story that hit all the right notes with audiences.

1. The Breakfast Club (1985)

Cast:
Judd Nelson
Molly Ringwald
Emilio Estevez
Anthony Michael Hall
Ally Sheedy

We’ve got the classic high school types (jock, princess, brain, basket case, criminal) locked together for Saturday detention in this John Hughes’ classic. They each learn that they’re not so different after all… and The Breakfast Club became the quintessential high school movie, but seriously? Saturday detention?

Gran Torino

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 11:28:00 +0000

Film Review by Kam Williams

Headline: Motor-Mouthed Geezer Befriends Troubled Teen in Motor City Melodrama

Recently-widowed Walt Kowalski (Clint Eastwood) has a big set of gonads for a grizzled geezer who’s the last white guy still living in a Detroit ‘hood overrun with Asians, Latinos and blacks. After all, he’s in mourning and emotionally-estranged from his sons, Mitch (Brian Haley) and Steve (Brian Howe), who would like to relocate their dad to a retirement community.
Nonetheless, Walt wants to remain in the rapidly-changing, increasingly-lawless community. But rather than make the acquaintance of any of his neighbors, the gun-toting Korean War vet would rather roam around town like a geriatric Dirty Harry, daring troublemaking knuckleheads to make his day.
For he loves to talk trash, being especially fond of hurling expletives and ethnic slurs at members of every minority group.
He proves to be particularly imaginative when it comes to epithets for the Hmong family who moved in next-door, referring to them as everything from “gooks” to “zipperheads” to “rice niggers” to “chinks” to “nips” to “eggrolls” to “barbarians” to “fish heads” to “swamp rats” to “slope heads.” A friendly female (Ahney Her) invites him over in spite of all the insults, making a peace offering by saying, “I wish our father had been more like you.” Who knows why? Yet, the creepy bigot coarsely responds to the compliment with, “Get me another beer, dragon lady.”
Needless to say, Walt is utterly unlikable, at least until the fateful day that a budding juvenile delinquent (Bee Vang) tries to steal his Gran Torino muscle car as part of a gang initiation. Instead of shooting the thief with his trusty M-1 rifle when he catches him in the act, Walt decides to take pity on the kid after learning that the boy is in dire need of intervention.
Unfortunately, the transition Walt then makes from racist misanthrope into an altruistic father figure focused on his Asian-American protégé as a pet reclamation project is simply unconvincing. That’s not good news for this Motor City melodrama, since it specifically relies upon the chemistry supposedly generated as a friendship is forged between the pair.
Gran Torino is recommended only if you want to see Clint Eastwood uttering a profusion of offensive and profane language, like a senile old coot suffering from adult onset Tourette’s Syndrome. Otherwise, this cross of 8-Mile and Death Wish looks terribly dated, like the desperate last gasp of pre-Obama Era intolerance.

Fair (1 star)
Rated R for pervasive profanity, ethnic slurs and violence.
Running time: 116 minutes
Studio: Warner Brothers

To see a trailer for Gran Torino, visit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9dy5yCUxOg

Gran Torino

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 00:03:00 +0000

Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino posits a very simple "what if" scenario: what if Eastwood's Dirty Harry character grew up, aged into the sort of grizzled old veteran who sits on his front porch swigging beers and chasing the neighborhood kids off his lawn? What if Dirty Harry was confronted with a punky young modern girl with a belly-button ring? What if Dirty Harry caught a kid trying to steal his treasured car? What if Dirty Harry was being harassed by a fresh-faced young priest trying to save his soul? What if Dirty Harry woke up one night to find a bunch of Asian gang members on his lawn? The answer, in all cases, is strikingly similar: Eastwood growls, grits his teeth, scrunches up his eyes into a fearsome squint, and more often than not, unleashes a jaw-dropping stream of bluntly racist obscenities. Sometimes, he pulls a gun. Sometimes, he only pretends to. But always the growl, which is sometimes more like a simian grunt, and always the squint, as though the enormity of the idiocy that's happening before his eyes is positively blinding.

It's frankly hard to know what to make of this film. It's unrelentingly blunt and straight-faced for much of its length, and yet it's hard to take it entirely at face value. Its caricature of the tough-guy action hero as a nasty racist who actually says things like "get off my lawn" — seriously, he couldn't have added "hey, kids" at the beginning of that line? — demands to be taken seriously as an act of deconstruction, and yet so much of the dialogue that comes out of this walking stereotype is laughable or downright silly. Maybe that's the point. Eastwood's Walt Kowalski is a man out of his time. He's a Korean War vet whose wife has just died, and he finds himself in a neighborhood whose ethnic mix is changing in ways he isn't prepared to cope with. He's gotten used to trading barbs with "micks" and "wops," and he maintains a foul-mouthed but comradely relationship with his white ethnic buddies, who pass insults back and forth while saving their most vicious jokes for Jews and Mexicans, true Others. Obviously, Walt is uncomfortable with his Hmong Vietnamese neighbors, who he openly sneers at, referring to them as gooks even right to their faces.

It's hard to imagine a film in which prejudice is more directly on the surface, and this is perhaps part of the problem with taking Eastwood entirely seriously. Walt is a throwback to another time, but so is the film as a whole: a time when prejudice really was this out in the open, this obvious, rather than existing on a more subtle and institutional level. There's nothing subtle about Gran Torino, which wears its messages about racism, masculinity, and intergenerational conflict right on its sleeve. There's hardly a character in the film who isn't a stereotype of some sort, from Eastwood's crotchety old racist to his openly greedy and uncaring family to the tough-talking gangbangers in the neighborhood to the white kid who tries to be black by wearing a backwards baseball cap and saying "bro" a lot. It'd all be faintly silly if Eastwood himself didn't play it so straight, really infusing this teeth-gritting old bastard with a stubborn intensity and even a surprising pathos. His moments of vulnerability — like his fits of coughing up blood — are all the more moving because the character is otherwise such a Hollywood cliché of masculine action-star aggression. At one point, after visiting a doctor and receiving presumably very bad news, he caves in and gives his disinterested, craven son a call. After a bit of taciturn chit-chat, he can't bring himself to say anything about what's bothering him, and his son simply cuts off the conversation by saying he's busy. It's a sad and lonely moment, especially when one realizes what it must have taken for this tough old guy to even make the gesture to call his son in the first place.

Eastwood's Walt is the film's central character, but the dramatic tension in the story is generated by his next-door neighbors, a family of Hmong immigrants, among whom are the cheeky young Sue (Ahney Her) and her shy, withdrawn brother Thao (Bee Vang). Thao is being harassed by a local Hmong gang who want him to join up, and his initiation involves an aborted attempt to steal Walt's cherished 1972 Gran Torino. This incident only entrenches Walt's hostility towards his foreign neighbors, but when the gang returns to forcibly take Thao away one night, Walt intervenes, holding a rifle on the gang members until they have to flee. He's doing it only to get the "gooks" off his lawn, but he nevertheless becomes a hero to the neighborhood's Asian community, who see him as having stood up to the gang that terrorizes them. What happens next is predictable: Walt's icy hatred of others slowly begins to thaw, even as his racism retains its bite, and he takes the painfully awkward Thao under his wing, trying to teach him how to act like a man. Of course, Walt's conception of masculinity encompasses both expected societal standards (get a job and a girlfriend) along with some more outlandish stereotypical behavior; his attempt to teach Thao how to speak like a man is particularly hilarious. What's interesting, though, is that in keeping with the film's deconstruction of its stereotypes and genre archetypes, Walt's final act is a demonstration of the ways in which masculinity can expand beyond the limiting definition of the Dirty Harry-style tough guy, to encompass notions like sacrifice, friendship, character development, and measured thought rather than violent action.

Ultimately, Gran Torino is an interesting mess of a film, one that's hampered by its straightforward stereotyping and amateur performances: Her alternates between laughably bad and downright annoying, while Vang is only marginally better. The result is that too much of the film's weight falls on Eastwood's shoulders. He not only directs and acts, but he is forced to be the central presence in the film, the only actor present who can actually deliver a line naturally, let alone project a believable emotion. Eastwood's dominance of the film is so complete that he even growls out the first verse of the song that closes the film, a sweet love ballad to a Gran Torino, the kind of song Kowalski himself might sing, in an unguarded moment, while caressing the car's hood: "gentle now the tender breeze blows/ whispers through my Gran Torino/ whistling another tired song/ engine hums and bitter dreams grow/ heart locked in a Gran Torino/ it beats a lonely rhythm all night long." It's hard to imagine Eastwood expects anyone to take that seriously, and yet it's done with such sincerity, such heart behind it, that one feels bad for laughing. It's just another indication of the film's tonal confusion, its insistence on finding genuine drama in absurd genre clichés, its mingling of amateur acting, a hilariously inventive racist vocabulary, and melodramatic heartstring-tugging. It's an odd mix, one that shouldn't really work but nearly does in spite of itself.

Fletch's Film Review: Gran Torino

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 10:17:00 +0000

I'm in my early 30s. My parents are approximately 35 years older than me, placing them just a few years younger than Clint Eastwood's Walt Kowalski. They saw Gran Torino a few days before me and, being lovers of Eastwood, vastly enjoyed Clint's last hurray as a Harry Calhoun-like badass (I have to assume it's his last at age 78, but one never knows). Within a few frames of the film, I could see exactly what it is that they (and countless others in their demographic, not to mention most folks with common sense) would love about Kowalski: yeah, he's a bitter old prick, but the man's got principles. He's done hard manual labor his whole life and earned every penny he made, and has immense pride not only for himself but for his surroundings as well, be they his prized Gran Torino, the neighborhood he no longer recognizes, or even the church he has little interest in attending (and he'll be damned if his punk grandchildren are gonna disrespect it or him). He takes nothing from anyone, takes nothing for granted, and you better damn well do the same.

So, you can imagine the heavy heart that it gives me to say this: Gran Torino is not a very good film. Now, that's not to say that it's not an enjoyable film. It's a goddamned insensitive laugh riot that rivals Borat and outdoes Archie Bunker in its equal opportunity name-calling and uneasy situational comedy, and as loathe as we may be to admit it, we're a bloodthirsty society and love seeing a righteous Clint kick ass, sins be damned. Since we know it's good guy Clint Eastwood starring, we know from the start that Walt isn't a hateful bigot, just an ignorant one set in his ways and used to an America that no longer exists - and he has no time or intention to learn about the Hmong immigrants that have "infested" his neighborhood. Many a laugh is garnered from Walt's insensitivity; he has no problem calling a roomful of neighbors "slants" or "gooks," and quite possibly derives more pleasure from their discomfort with him. After all, icy cold Walt would rather have them all just pack up ship and move back to wherever the hell they came from than bother learning anything about them.

But as sure as death and taxes, so are we assured that the Grinch's heart will grow 3x by the end of the day, and that all that is just and right with the world will be as God intended. Along the way, we'll be subjected to, amongst other things: spotty acting from Eastwood's otherwise likable junior cast mates (specifically Ahney Her and Bee Vang as a sister-brother pair that get to know Walt the most over the course of the film), a bevy of bad sitcom-level writing, paper-thin characters (only Walt and Vang's Thao have qualities that go beyond the surface), and a few clues that perhaps lead us to believe that maybe Eastwood had just a bit too much to do with the production. Really Clint - singing a theme song over the end credits?

Fletch's Film Rating:

"You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you."

Random unrelated thoughts:

* It took me months of viewing the trailer and 100 minutes into the movie before I realized what so many others also noticed whilst watching Gran Torino: it's essentially a modern day Karate Kid, only with the (racial) roles reversed. There's Clint, playing his best Miyagi, teaching a teenage boy how to become a man by having him do house and yard work, all with the unspoken promised prize of a classic car for which young Daniel-san, er, Thao can use to woo women. Likewise, there's Thao (and his wiser older sister) teaching the teacher the ways of his people and culture and to be more social in his later years. The only thing missing was the All-Valley Tournament, Billy Zabka and the "Get him a bodybag, yeah!" guy.

* A month or so ago, I more or less had some problems with troublemaker Charlie Kauffman and the waves of subtext that rolled through his Synecdoche, New York. Well, if ever there were an Opposites Film Festival, surely Synecdoche and Gran Torino could be paired. Sure, Eastwood as a director has never been all that deep, but even Mystic River had that creepy King Lear-or-whatever-the-hell-it-was layer that reared its ugly head at the end of that fine film. Gran Torino? As deep as a kiddie pool - I've seen after-school specials that were more subtle. Since I seem to be complaining about both sides of the fence...well, I am. I guess I prefer a happy medium. I feel too dumb walking out of a Kauffman or Lynch puzzler; on the other hand, I feel like Eastwood's directorial efforts, well-made as some may be, are intended for folks that think Saved by the Bell is a deep show.

* A couple of casting choices I need to call out: first, a big round of applause for giving a largish, if unimportant role to venerable character actor John Carroll Lynch (Fargo). Secondly, how many directors get to cast their 22-year old sons in films, as wiggers no less, then get to call them a "pusscake" for all the world to hear. Welcome to Hollywood, Scott Eastwood.

Whore of the Year

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:29:25 +0000

Erik Childress has put out his “Whore of the Year” column. The inspiration for the dubious honor is given to Pete Travers for quotes like:

A powder keg with no agenda except the human one. (Stop-Loss)
…A slice of celluloid dynamite! (4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days)
The two leads are dynamite (Let the Right One In)
Brad Pitt is dynamite. (Burn After Reading)
***1/2 Explosive! Full-out, in-your-face rock & roll. (Shine a Light)
**** Expect fireworks! It is explosive. (Doubt)
A total triumph! An American classic! Explosive. It will pin you to your seat. (Milk)
Indelible! Will pin you to your seat! (Trouble the Water)

No hard feelings on our end, Pete, you know we love you. Both Petes, actually, Hammond and Travers. This year’s winner? Click the link to find out. Another feature, the Top Twenty Dumbest Quotes:

13. This is the winner that will take it all! (Mamma Mia) - Ray Bennett, Hollywood Reporter
12. Semi-Pro puts the fun in funkedelic. (Semi-Pro) – Lisa Johnson, Filmstew.com
11. With great power come laughs. (Superhero Movie) – Staci Layne Wilson, Scifi Weekly
10. This year’s Oscar race starts with Sleepwalking. (Sleepwalking) – Rick Bentley, The Fresno Bee
9. It rekindles the great Hollywood romances. (Twilight) – Richard Corliss

Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 12:11:04 +0000

Invasion of the Bee Girls is a staggeringly bad movie, but at least it knows just how bad it is. It’s played purely as campy fun, and on that level it succeeds quite well. Scripted by Nicholas Meyer, who went to to write so quite interesting movies, it has a premise that is so silly you can’t help liking it.

The small town of Peckham is home to a top-secret government research lab, so when a number of scientists die in mysterious circumstances State Department investigator Neil Agar is dispatched to find out what is going on. It turns out that the scientists, and quite a few other male citizens of this community, have died from an excess of sexual excitement.

The local police chief thinks it may be just coincidence, or mass hysteria, and urges the good people of Peckham to stop having sex. But Agar works for the government, so he has a much less far-fetched theory to explain these deaths. What if someone were creating woman-insect hybrids, driven instinctively to kill after mating? Wouldn’t that be a far more logical explanation?

Of course it turns out that he’s correct. With the help of a beautiful (not non-insectoid) female member of the staff of the lab, he sets out to prove his theory. Unfortunately most of those who could assist him fall victim to the dreaded bee girls.

The acting is bad, the plot is ludicrous, the special effects are laughable, and it’s all great fun. At any point in the movie where the plot starts to falter, the female members of the cast start taking their clothes off. Apparently creating a woman-insect hybrid can only be done naked, and to ensure success it is vital that the other insect-women should spend as much time as possible fondling the breasts of the new recruits. And such is their dedication to the cause they don’t hesitate to do so.

It’s all very silly, but it’s so obviously done with tongue planted firmly in cheek that one can’t really do anything but take it in the spirit of high camp zaniness with which it is intended.

Burnin' Down The Grouse

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 14:05:10 +0000

When I first heard about a deep-fried turkey, I envisioned bored hicks standing around with a fire, a vat of old motor oil, and a turkey, going, "HEY-YA! Let's burninate this sucker bee-foar the Nascar starts up, Cletus!" But when my brother-in-law Mike said, "I got some deep-frying equipment," I immediately said, "Well, here's an adventure in a pot."
Remember the words that will get Unca Ferrett to do the stupidest things, children: He's never done it before.

So I read up on how to do it, and found many entertaining YouTube videos by fire stations around the globe, showing how a vat of oil lofted over a gigantic Bunsen Burner can go up like a Roman candle in about three-point-four seconds when unattended. I told Mike about this. "With two of us, it's half as likely to go wrong," he enthused.

"I think it's twice as likely," I said. "But fire is pretty." So we set up the equipment:

Turkey-burning has a pleasantly mad scientist-style array of equipment, making it feel like you're conducting an extremely manly experiment. When you have a lot of knobs to fiddle and the potential of total incineration, you access your monkey brain directly. It was all I could do to avoid stoving in Mike's head with a large bone and then urinating on his body to prove my dominance.

That said, the directions were full of lies and stupidity. There was a safety line above which you COULD NOT POUR OIL or wham, instant conflagration - but an early test to see how much oil we needed to cover the turkey showed that the oil needed to completely submerge the bird was about four inches above the Mason-Explosion line. We opted for safety, and as such had to slightly overcook the bird, twisting and turning, to get all of it above E. Coli-style temperatures.

Also, there was a "safety valve" that, if left unattended, would turn off the burner in fifteen minutes. However, it gave no warning aside from a feeble flickering LED that was invisible in the sunlight, and when it went out - as it frequently did before we started countdown timers - you had to crawl underneath a vat of boiling oil with a light in a haze of propane gas. It seemed like we were on the verge of death EVERY TIME.

The goal is to get the oil to a little over 350 degrees, which supposedly only takes a half an hour. It was an hour, actually, between the various setup issues, watching that finicky auto-shutoff burner, and the slowness of the oil. However, as it heated up it made engagingly psychedelic patterns, swirling in soft amber oil-waves. It was almost as though it was luring us in. Put your hand in and stir it about... come on... I won't hurt you....

Honestly, we didn't need the hard hat, but if we're going to go all-out for an experiment, here at La Casa McJuddMetzBosSini we go the extra mile. (Also see: The Rule of Cool.)

You're supposed to lower the bird in slowly, over the course of a minute, which makes wickedly satisfying burbling noises as you dunk it slowly into an agonizingly delicious demise. The experiment immediately transformed from "mad science" to "wicked witches" as we had a steaming pot that leaked and gargled noisily. The entire yard smelled of grease and turkey, which sounds awful but was really a quite delightful odor.

...and here's the final bird. We didn't yet know how it tasted, but I think all us non-vegetarians agree that it looks delicious.

So how'd it taste? I can do no better than to quote my wife's entry:

"...Everyone wanted a little taste, so I cut loose a wing and offered it to the crowd. After that? It was like trying to carve turkey surrounded by ravening wolves. Everyone was grabbing at the bits that fell loose from the slices, risking fingers to get to the tender morsels."

I thought the meat would be greasy, but no; it was wonderfully tender, and very flavorful. The only two things I could do in the future to improve it would be to brine (at La Casa McJuddmetz we auto-brine, but we weren't sure at the time if we should brine a fried bird - as it turns out, yes, you should) and to use a sufficient amount of oil. We're complete converts. Go, hicks with motor oil! Shower me with your country wisdom.

As an extra-special bonus, allow me to show you what happens when I get out of the shower and forget to comb my hair down - this was about four hours later, when the family finally couldn't stifle their laughter any more:

Steve Harvey: The Still Trippin Interview

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 19:29:00 +0000

with Kam Williams

Headline: Steve Reflects on His Career and on the Passing of His Pal Bernie Mac

Broderick Steven Harvey was born in Welch, West Virginia on January 17, 1956, although he grew up in Cleveland where he graduated from Glenville High School in 1974. After brief stints as a boxer and an insurance salesman, he paid his dues for several years on the Chitlin’ Circuit honing his craft as a stand-up comedian.
Steve found national fame in 1994, when he was picked to emcee “It’s Showtime at the Apollo.” Soon thereafter, the versatile funnyman landed his own sitcom, “The Steve Harvey Show” and went on to enjoy an enduring career in show business.
In 2000, he crisscrossed the country with Cedric the Entertainer, D.L. Hughley and the late Bernie Mac as one of The Original Kings of Comedy, a sold out tour filmed and turned into a phenomenally-popular concert flick by Spike Lee. A six-time NAACP Image Award-winner, Steve currently hosts a nationally-syndicated radio show broadcast from New York City.
Here, he talks about his career, the passing of fellow King of Comedy Bernie Mac, and about Still Trippin’, a DVD of his latest stand-up act which was recently filmed in front of a live audience in Newark, New Jersey.

KW: Hi Steve, thanks again for the time.
SH: Hey man, what’s happening? How you doing?
KW: I’m fine, thanks. I loved this new concert film, Still Trippin’ and I gave it four stars, but I felt that you were just as funny on your previous DVD, Don’t Trip, which was clean. Why did you add the curse words back into your act?
SH: Well, you know it’s really not that I added them back in. When I did Don’t Trip with Bishop T.D. Jakes, it was really to take me to a place where I’d never gone in my stand-up before, working spotlessly clean before a religious organization. I had to write a lot of material just for that show, and I was very proud of it. It was really a tribute to my mom because she had passed. Since my mother was saved, she never saw me perform because of the profanity. So, I wanted to do something to honor her. That was the one time I worked totally clean, other than on TV and sitcoms and stuff like that. So, I don’t really know that I added it back in, but I dug your review though and I appreciate what you said.
KW: But didn’t you become a Born Again Christian after your association with Bishop Jakes?
SH: The truth is I’ve always been a Christian. What’s amazing, man, is that the flaws that come with Christianity are really weird, because mine have a microphone and a camera attached to them. Most people don’t have to live under that microscope. I’m still very much a Christian and have a great relationship with God. I love Him, but one of my flaws is that I cuss. I’m just being honest with you, man. But I’ll tell you this, the thing I did with Bishop Jakes, Don’t Trip, is to date my absolute greatest piece of work. Even as crazy as I am, I have enough sense to know that.
KW: Yeah, that performance wasn’t just funny, but that finale was very powerful, spiritually.
SH: I’m even thinking of doing another concert like that as my farewell DVD, because I don’t know how much longer I’ve got at this in terms of touring. I’m think 2009 and 2010 could be the farewell tour, because I kinda want to walk out of the business leaving a legacy behind that I was clean but a really, really funny guy, before people stop paying to see me.
KW: You’ve enjoyed so much success in terms of TV, radio, movies and stand-up, that I don’t think you have to worry about your legacy. I think it’s already established as first rate.
SH: I appreciate that. A lot of that is going to be up to you guys in the press and how you write about it.
KW: Speaking of leaving a legacy, you worked with Bernie Mac on The Kings of Comedy tour and on television. How did you feel when you learned about his passing?
SH: Man, that was tough, because I never knew exactly how old Bernie was. On the Kings tour, we played golf, we swapped cigars, and we told the funniest stories in the dressing rooms, stuff that you couldn’t say on stage. But we must have never mentioned our ages. So, it hit me really hard while I was watching a tribute to him by Larry King, which we all were a part of, when I saw 1957-2008 on the screen under Bernie’s picture. It hit home, because I was born in 1957, too, and except for the grace of God, that could easily have been me. It’s too young to pass, I think, but Bernie’s time was up. It struck me very deeply when I saw the dates on the monitor. That’s what hit me the hardest, to realize how fortunate I am to still be here.
KW: And then, the day after Bernie died, Isaac Hayes passed away. And both of you were radio show hosts in New York.
SH: Right. And I saw Sam [Samuel L. Jackson] at Bernie’s funeral. And all three of them were in this movie together.
KW: Soul Men, which opened a couple of months later.
SH: It was kinda weird that Bernie and Isaac Hayes had passed, and Sam was living. It must have been pretty tough for him and it probably had him thinking about a lot of things. I’m pretty sure he didn’t feel like promoting the movie. It was tough, that whole run right there. ’08 was a stressful year, man.
KW: I want to talk a little about your new DVD. I thought that bit you did about the homely women in that polygamous cult in Texas, comparing them to Aunt Bee from Andy of Mayberry and Jane Hathaway of The Beverly Hillbillies was hilarious. How do you come up with your material?
SH: When you do radio, you’re kept abreast of all these news stories. On the air you have the FCC restrictions, but when you get to the concert stage it’s weird, because I have the same subjects, but I’m just free to adjust my timing, and to add facial expressions which reflect my thought processes. In actuality, when you hear these news stories as a stand-up comedian, you see them totally differently. For instance, I see these women, and I’m asking, “Wow! Why would anybody want eight of these as a wife?” I’m looking at their outfits, and I’m going, “Man, these ain’t the most appealing-looking outfits.” Nobody says, man, these chicks are hot. If I had four of them…” Instead, everybody’s looking at them and asking, “Who the hell does their hair like that?” And then, how do you get away with just loading these women’s kids on a bus? Ain’t nobody trying to turn the bus over?
KW: [LOL]
SH: Come on, man! See, my gift is in pulling out the absurdity of a news event.
KW: And how about the riff you did about the female astronaut arrested in adult diapers?
SH: Nobody can actually plan on driving and just urinating. That cannot be your plan. How pissed off are you? When you stop for gas, that might be a good time to unload yourself. Why would you sit there, when you’ve wet your pants? Now we have some other problems because your urine at this age is very different.
KW: [LOL]
SH: See, what I do is take a situation and extract all the absurdity out of it. That’s what makes the bits great, man
KW: How do you feel about Obama’s victory?
SH: I think it’s the greatest thing ever for this country. Even deeper than that, I think it’s big for the world. When I was overseas in France this summer, everybody who came up to me said, “Obama! Obama! Obama! Please!” So, I think his winning has done a lot for the reputation of America. I’m also happy for African-Americans that they get to feel a sense of belonging, finally, and that their vote does count, and just being able to point to our children and say, “Okay, here’s the deal, everything is possible now, for real.” It’s all possible now. This kills the excuses for everybody, and it helps those of us who are parents to be able to say, “Hey, this can happen for you. You can become the President of the United States. Let’s not use our color as a crutch anymore, but rather as a pole vault stick to get over all these barriers.” That’s what I think is great about Obama’s election.
KW: The Columbus Short question: Are you happy?
SH: Am I happy? Yes I am.
KW: The Tasha Smith question: Are you ever afraid?
SH: Uhh… no.
KW: Is there a question no one ever asks you, that you wish someone would?
SH: [Chuckles] No, they’ve asked me everything, man.
KW: The bookworm Troy Johnson question: What was the last book you read?
SH: Ex-Free: 9 Keys to Freedom after Heartbreak by Troy Byer.
KW: The music maven Heather Covington question: What’s music are you listening to right now?
SH: Christmas music.
KW: Thanks again for the time, Steve.
SH: No problem, I sure appreciate you, man.
KW: Same here, bro.

To see a trailer for Still Trippin’, visit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sK-VeQ8howI

CREEPY KOFY MOVIE TIME News Flash!

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:29:00 +0000

I just found out that the 2007 Korean Horror Film, TIME, will not be CREEPY KOFY MOVIE TIME's very first movie on NEW YEARS EVE. It will be the Cult Classic, CARNIVAL OF SOULS, and then on their Regular Saturday Night slot, THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE.

Then I found out the second host, in addition to NO NAME, will be BALROK, a so called DEMON. Interesting to say the least. Posted here are 2 photos of the CREEPY KOFY MOVIE TIME set with BALROK as well as BALROK with cohost, NO NAME with some young cuties. Got these from BALROK's MY SPACE page. Also it lists BALROK's favorite movies, which by coincidence, might be CREEPY KOFY MOVIE TIME's list of films that will be shown. Here is that list:

CARNIVAL OF SOULS

THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE

ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

THE WASP WOMAN

INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS

THE KILLER SHREWS

HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL

THE CRAWLING HAND